Cary E. Lantz
Divorce is epidemic in America. This plague has infected more lives than has any physical or emotional malady in the history of this country. Divorce rates over the past three decades have escalated despite geometric increases in the number of marriage counselors and the number of couples seeking counseling during this period. Counseling efforts focusing on relationship skill building and behavior change have failed to reduce the frequency of marital break-ups. These interventions impact only surface symptoms, outward appearance; not the heart. The core disturbance in marital struggles is internal. Positive change requires renewal of the mind.
Shifting Sands and Foundation Stones: 101 Marriage Myths and the Wisdom of the Wedded is grounded in the assumption that a multitude of false beliefs and expectations - myths -- are eroding marriages. And, alternatively, healthy thinking must precede transformation in marriage. This book spells out 101 of these marriage myths, and the collective corrective wisdom of those successfully married.
Through a series of self-tests, couples are led from the starting point-awareness of personal areas of faulty thinking about marriage, to the goal-readiness to release these myths and replace them with marital wisdom. The aim of 101 Marriage Myths is to help launch healthier new marriages and strengthen existing ones by offering to both a foundation of truth on which to build. When expectations match reality, vulnerability to disillusionment, conflict and divorce is reduced.
Christian marriages, failing at rates similar to those in the culture at large, are equally vulnerable to the seductive lies embedded in love and marriage myths. Discussion of marriage myths in the Christian community is an idea whose time has come.
Dr. Lantz brings decades of experience into his discussion of the topic of marriage. In addition to his own thirty-something years of marriage, he draws from his experiences with more than a thousand couples in over two decades of individual, marital and family counseling. While combining counseling practice with university teaching roles, he specialized in marriage preparation, healing marital dysfunction, and strengthening marriages. In this second chapter of his professional life, he now teaches full-time as Professor of Counseling at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, where he serves as Chairman of the MA program in professional counseling.
He has published and presented to professional audiences a variety of subjects related to counseling, the church, Christian education, clergy burnout, and the future of Christian counseling.
Out of this backdrop of training and professional experience, Dr. Lantz is qualified to write with perspective, insight, and realism. Based on personal experience, he writes, too, with the hard-earned wisdom of a marriage veteran.
The Invitation: On to the Less Traveled Road
I invite you now to join me on the journey through 101 marriage myths. It is not an easy journey. The great majority of partners are not willing to travel this path. It is far less threatening to take the comfortable, broad road, protecting unchallenged viewpoints-whether those borrowed from the shifting sands of contemporary cultural fads or those carried over from the past-even if we do pay a price for investing in those beliefs; yes, even if they are not true. The journey toward bedrock truth, however-toward that wisdom which provides the foundation stones for successful marriage-must be undertaken with openness, honesty and courage. Those who do brave this journey will be rewarded with greater personal wholeness, greater marital oneness.
Marriage Myth #10: 'If we never argue during our
courtship, it indicates we are compatible and it bodes
well for marriage.'
One of the most widely held misguided beliefs among dating couples is that absence of disagreement is good, that a calm surface hints of total agreement at the deeper level and is a confirmation of love. The accompanying hope is that this apparent total agreement now is a forecast of blissful unity in marriage to come. But, peace often comes at a price. This peace is no exception.
Wedded Wisdom: Failure to disagree during courtship
simply indicates dishonesty, insecurity, naiveté . . . or a
too-short courtship.
Far from indicating strength and love, avoidance of conflict muddies relationship waters. Partners are left not knowing who they are dealing with, what they are getting into. Fearing rejection of their true selves, the courting couple cooperate in a dance of deception, presenting to one another their safe false selves, instead. This lack of candor makes the courtship stage the relationship's phase of 'maximum deception.'2 The repercussions for marriage are significant and often enduring.
Marriage Myth #35: 'Marriage is a contract in which
partners offer positive exchanges for mutual benefit.'
The metaphor of marriage as contract is a popular depiction, affirming a mutual exchange of positives. Surely this positive give-and-take reflects the core of the marriage vows. Isn't this what we commit to when we pledge to love one another, through good times and bad, as long as we live? What more could be asked of two human beings?
Wedded Wisdom: Marriage is a covenant in which
partners vow to give their all for the mate, regardless of
the return on their investment.
Contracts are basically selfish ('I will . . . if you will . . . .'), grounded in the desire to get something the other has to offer. And, being based on contingencies, they are, by implication at least, defensive ('If you don't . . . I won't . . . .'). Given human nature, contracts are tenuous pacts. Marriage as covenant, on the other hand, is not selfish or defensive. Covenants offer stability as partners commit to give, serve and love-whether, or not, the mate consistently does so. Covenants take human fickleness into account.
Marriage Myth #55: 'It is good to have high
expectations for marriage because people tend to live
up to what is expected of them.'
Here, again, is a viewpoint based on the assumptions that (1) marriage is a working project characterized by change, and (2) positive expectations will help lead those changes in desirable directions. These assumptions are so credible as to seem obvious. Those affirming this perspective hope to inspire themselves and their partners to be all they can be. Surely this is no myth; is it?
Wedded Wisdom: Marital happiness is correlated with
lowered expectations.
Paradoxically, when we approach marriage with fewer, or lower expectations, the relationship is freed up to flourish. By not imposing our expectations on our partner, we allow them room to be themselves, as well as room to grow. Having reduced expectations also promotes acceptance. When we compare one another to a standard, we are likely to heighten our awareness of how far short of the criterion we fall. Without such a template of comparison we can more readily simply see and accept each other as we are.
