Nelson Onit Vazqueztell
A poet who has everyone smiling should write more than just poetry. And so, in order to keep everyone in stitches, he wrote a joke book with a thousand and one laughs! Unlike Vazqueztell’s previous books, TRUTH, COMEDY & POETRY for ALL and THE V-FILES: The Truth Is In Here, which are filled with mostly poetry, the author wanted to collect and share all of his favorite jokes from all categories and place them under one cover. No matter what the subject, he has covered it and although most of the great joke tellers will know a good amount of them, there will be enough to still shock and crack up even the most knowledgeable of joke tellers. This will most definitely be yet another favorite amongst his fans or just the perfect addition to any other collection of joke books.
From the doings of Little Halis, who is full of malice, to the misadventures in religion, HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT… will keep you and your friends in stitches. This is the perfect book to take anywhere to break the ice at parties or bars. No matter what the situation, there will be a joke that you can share with just about anyone. And as is that wasn’t enough, then there’s a second bonus chapter of poetry that continues where his previous comic poetry left off. Everything from the return of fan favorites Nels Vulger, Lana Dully and Don Tortelli to another set of dating mishaps are offered in this fantastically verbally illustrated book. In HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT… you will find the best of his cynic humor, darc thoughts and absolutely the best collection of jokes you will ever read! And as if that wasn’t enough, Vazqueztell.
And to top put a cherry on top of that whole sundae of comedy, Vazqueztell also added a second bonus chapter of the best literal finds of the internet. The Vorld Vide Veb is an incredible collection of bumper stickers, sayings, pick up lines, zany lists and much, much more that will have you bursting into laughter! As it is, the author would like to take a moment to warn everyone about peeing before reading the book, so that no accidents occur.
Vazqueztell believes that “Laughter always makes everything better” and that any situation can be overcome with a smile. Try his theory out for yourself with this book!
Believe it or not, the author of this hilarious book started his writing career over a romantic mistake, in a time of sadness and confusion. And both his writing career and his romantic mistake both happened in the college that he graduated from, Berkeley College. Because of his ‘tragic times and romantic situations’ Nelson Vazqueztell became fascinated with analyzing how our thinking changes and ‘evolves’ over time by learning from our past mistakes in relationships and our lives. And so, he has captivated readers with his analytical thinking, his gritty points of view and his tales which range from the autobiographical to the impossible.
However, being the class clown he’s always been, it seemed as if this book had been years upon years in the making. Sure, everyone may know him as a poet, author, and all around storyteller, but anyone that truly knows him will realize that his humor is one-of-a-kind. Nelson has written comic poems before in his first two books (TRUTH, COMEDY & POETRY for ALL and THE V-FILES: The Truth Is In Here). And though his books have, until now, been divided into chapters of serious, romantic and comic work, this is the first time that he goes into full-fledged comedy. Nelson wanted all of his readers to get a pure ‘shot’ of laughter… which he will always call “the best medicine.” Anyone who knows the author personally can tell you, his sense of humor is most definitely part of his personality. Without “funny”, there is no Nelson.
Who would have thought that a guy born and raised in tough old Brooklyn would have ended up a published poet? Not to mention, who would have thought that a name that complicated would have made it onto yet another cover of a book? Well at the age of 26, he has and there are many more books on the way. Vigorously working on several manuscripts at a time is what keeps him and his loving wife, his primary editor, busy.
His next projects consist of a story-end-choosing erotica tales compilation (DARC: Love, Lust & Fantasy), another poetry book (BACK TO THE POETRY) and a trilogy of thriller vampire / werewolf legend novels (CODENAMES: VAMP & WOLF).
You Can Contact Nelson directly at the following e-mail:
darcmaster@yahoo.com
FROM CHAPTER ONE: THE JOKES...
IT SURE IS DARK IN HERE, ISN’T IT?- -
A married mother is having an affair. And so that she never gets told on by her son, she puts her nine year old in the closet whenever her lover drops in for a visit. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and without thinking straight she hides her lover in the closet with her son. Inside the closet, the little boy slyly says, “It sure is dark in here, isn’t it?” Not knowing what to reply, the man nervously replies, “Yes it is.” The kid suddenly gets an idea and figures he could walk out of the situation a winner, so he asks, “Hey mister, do ya wanna buy a used baseball?” The man stays quiet for a moment and replies, “No thanks.” The little boy decides to go for the sale anyway with, “I think you really do want to buy my baseball. Come on sir, just help me out with a little cash to buy some trading cards.” At this point, the man is getting nervous about having a conversation and getting caught, so he asks, “Okay, okay… how much?” The little guy slyly says, “$30!” “$30?” replies the man in shock as he realizes that he’s being blackmailed by a little, snot-nosed nine-year-old. But after the kid starts whining and getting louder by the second, the man quickly pulls out the only thirty bucks he had in his wallet to keep his situation in the clear. A week goes by and once again the husband comes home early, and the man once again is stuck with the awkward situation of hiding in the closet. And believe it or not… there was the little boy again. “Sure is dark in here, ain’t it mister?” the little boy exclaims once again with his malevolent intentions showing in the tone of his voice. “Yes. Yes it is.” replies the worried man. “Hey mister, do ya wanna buy a used baseball glove?” the little boy asks. “Ah, you’re not gonna do this again, are ya? Fine. How much this time?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging he is screwed if he doesn’t go through with the purchase. “$60!” the boy replies. “$60? Hell no… I’m not giving you $60! No!” “Okay, mister. You don’t have to buy it… but I know that my daddy keeps a gun, and if I tell him that you’re in here… he’s gonna kill ya!” “Sheesh! Fine, fine… here’s the freaking money, now shut up and stay quiet.” And with that, the transaction was done and the silence was bought. The following weekend, the boy’s father, good, Catholic, family man that he was asks his son to get his ball and glove so that they could go out and play. “Sorry dad, but I sold them.” “What?” asked the father, thinking that he spent about thirty dollars to buy them in the first place and now his kid had just sold them for cookies or some cheap trading cards, “How much did you get for them?” “$90!” the son replied with a big smile. “$90? That’s highway robbery! I’m taking you to church right now to make you confess your sin and ask for forgiveness!” So off they go to church and when they make it there, the father takes his son to the little confessional, opens the door for him and points his finger for him to go in. The child goes in and he closes the door behind him. The boy kneels down, leans toward the little dark fence to confess in and then says to the priest, “Gee, sure is dark in here, huh mister?” The boy hears the priest quickly get up and look right through the little fence and say, “Aw no! You’re not gonna start that here, are you? I’m broke! Leave me alone!”
A PIECE FROM CHAPTER 3: THE BONUS
THE V-FILES 2:
(THE ULTIMATE ENIGMA)
5th ANNIVERSARY since the Original was written...
by Nelson Vazqueztell (9/9/04)
10/31/04, 8:25 PM, HALLOW’S EVE, BUBBA’S FARM IN IOWA...
A chicken is simply buck, buck, bucking along in the coop when all of a sudden the farmer breaks the door down with brute force, scaring all the squawking poultry. The farmer, with a zombie-like look in his eyes scanned the coop until he found the one he wanted... at which point the chicken realized that it was in danger and it ran for its life, right in-between the farmer’s legs. The farmer grunted like a Neanderthal and ran after it, drooling on himself with his pants falling as they were unzipped and his belt was unbuckled. The chicken ran for its life, knowing... fearing... what would happen if caught. The chicken ran its way through a massive corn field, and then across a grassy couple of acres which were separated by a road that cut right through them. The chicken ran like the mighty wind...
An unsuspecting driver and his truck were coming up the hill of the road that the chicken was about to cross and the chicken quickly thought that if he were to outrun the truck before it got to that pivotal point, he could cross the road before the truck and his obsessed assailant would get hit and stopped by the large, oncoming vehicle. It was her only chance, but that chance was getting thinner by the minute!
The chicken ran (feathers flying)... the farmer followed (crotch to the wind)... the truck was getting closer (like a freight train!)... and closer... and she actually made it across pavement as planned, and then... “Thud!” The truck, looking at the fast paced chicken didn’t see the farmer and by the time that he did it was a second too late to brake and he slammed right into the farmer. The truck driver brought the truck to a screeching halt, but it was too late. He had splattered the farmer.
The truck driver got out to investigate the situation, but he didn’t find a single drop of blood. Instead, he found neon, glow-in-the-dark slime all over his bumper and grill. He then went towards the back of the truck to look through every set of neon- gook-colored wheel to see if he could find the body... and after wheel seven, he saw something moving... covered in that same neon goop, but he couldn’t quite see what it was. The trucker goes back to the driver’s seat to get his flashlight and when he looks back towards the wheels, there was a shadow coming out from between the wheels. ”Sir, are you alright?” asked the trucker, and without an answer, the shadowy figure went into its pocket, pulled out something shiny and shot a laser right past the trucker’s knees. “What the fuck? I’m gonna kill you you! You try’n to take ma knees off? I didn’t try to kill you!” The trucker turned right back around to the truck and the shadowy creature started limping right for him! That’s when the trucker pulled out his shot gun, aimed it, and blasted away repeatedly... only to get shot in the chest by the shadow’s ray gun... the man, in shock went back into his truck to radio for help, but realized that his radio went dead... just as the lights came on from a UFO directly above him who could have quite possibly been there the whole time observing the situation!
As the shadow’s body dropped to the ground, the truck driver’s eyes widen as he sees the middle of the ship open up and a blue beaming light starts to come out... as if energy was building up within it and the trucker quickly reloads his shotgun and screams, “I’ve seen Independence Day ya sons of bitches! Blow this!” As he shoots the ship repeatedly right in the blue light. The ship’s blue light decimates and the ship starts bobbing back and forth as if the driver lost control of it. The truck driver reloads, shoots again and the ship slants over, begins to smoke and spark and then slowly falls towards the corn fields... within seconds blowing up to smithereens!
He goes back to his radio, which now worked and yelled, “Uh, Mr. Hueton... I’ve gotta problem! I need some assistance here... and you ain’t gonna believe this shit... but I just killed me some ET’s, but I’ve been shot...”
CUE THE WHISTLING THEME SONG MUSIC TO... THE V-FILES...
10/31/04, 10:27 PM, NY OUTSIDE OF THE LOEWS 34th STREET THEATER...
AGENT NELS VULGER- “Damn Lana! Now that was a movie! Plot, action, special effects, romance, betrayal, animals... it had it all!”
AGENT LANA DULLY- “I can’t believe that you wasted the last day of our vacation on a movie about a pet turtle who goes off and kills every other pet around him because they killed his sibling! I mean honestly! Who could have possibly come up with that crap? That was just so stupid!”
NV- “Yeah, you hold on to that act. I saw you ‘almost secretly’ smile when you caught on to the parody bits! You simply just don’t want to admit that you have fun with me when we go to one of my movies. You only want to go to your movies. It’s always chick flick this and documentary about crap that. Man, remember when you suckered me into that French film by telling me that it was a French version of The Matrix when it was in fact a movie about
CONTINUES...
