CHAPTER 11

I don’t know why I never told Mercedes about being sexually abused. I try not to think about it because I get so upset and feel so embarrassed. The skin on my body crawls, the hairs on my back and arms stick up and I want to cry. I feel like crawling up in a ball, crying, and hiding. I remember there was another time in my life when I was sexually abused.  I was about 26yrs old and working at a convenient store when I remembered. The memories came back when he walked into the store. I was standing at the cash register, looked up and he was asking me to “put $20 on pump number five.” As I took his money, it took me a minute but I finally realized who he was. When I did realize who he was my body froze. I stood behind the cash register and couldn’t move or breathe. I started shaking and I suddenly felt like I was panicking. I ran to the office in the store and started crying. I didn’t understand why I was crying. I felt so nervous and had to sit down. I realized he was someone I thought I liked back in the day. He wasn’t just some old friend from the projects. I remember it seemed cool and “okay” for a 12yr old to be hanging out with a 21yr old man. I was caught up with him “liking me.” We would hang out in the back of the projects in groups. In my mind "we" were hanging out “together.” Everything was cool and fun. I felt like I was “in.”  Then I remembered having sex with him. I remember being scared and nervous but didn’t tell him no. He got me alone and made me feel comfortable with him. He said nice things to me and made me feel special and different because he liked “me.” He would always offer to buy me things, but I don’t remember if he ever did. He told me how mature I was and how my body was developed. I had never heard anything bad about him and everybody that was hanging out together liked him. It was so cool then. My head was throbbing in the office. The realization that a 21-year-old man was having sex with a 12-year-old little girl was over whelming, and that little girl was me. I suddenly felt sick. My mind was screaming he raped me; he’s a child molester, he used me! I stood there wishing I could make the uneasy feelings go away. I couldn’t understand what I was thinking at 12 to have sex with a grown man, that’s disgusting. I tried to make sense of a grown man hanging out with a 12yr old, but I couldn’t. I felt so ashamed not only for myself, but for him too. I couldn’t imagine anything about that being cute or cool.  I felt so used and violated. How could he do that to a child? I was still a child. I became very angry and confused. My mind was racing all over the place with disgusting thoughts. My body couldn’t take it I wanted to throw up. I realized that being with an older man would affect me for the rest of my life.  I didn’t think anything was wrong with seeing him when I was 12, because no one told me it was wrong.  I had to regain my composure to get back to work. My next reaction was I wanted to grab a glass bottle of juice and throw it in is face, but I couldn’t go out there and face him. I looked at the camera in the office to make sure he was gone. For days, I felt so used and ashamed of myself. I didn’t realize that sexual abuse was not just from your mother’s boyfriend or your father. Sexual abuse happens on different levels and in many different ways. I want younger girls to realize that even if it seems cool (at the time) it’s not. You are no longer cute and innocent. Because trust me you "are" being talked about and nothing cute and innocent is being said. Girls please don’t be hanging out with an older man. Can you imagine that "older" man being your father, uncle, or brother with a girl your age?  The though should be disgusting.  Older men should know they have no business hanging out with young girls; they need to imagine that young girl they are hanging out with being their niece or daughter.  I can't imagine what men are thinking when they are talking to younger girls, except about sex. Young girls that believe that older men “like” them need to understand that it’s “just” about the sex. It doesn’t matter what they tell you or how much money they spent on you. Older men are willing to tell younger girls what they want to hear and will manipulate them to get what they want. Trust me I know and understand. Older men can pick up on a young girl’s low self-esteem and insecurities and plays right into them. If your parents are allowing you to hang out at night with a group of guys and other girls, these guys know your parents are not paying attention, so they can do what they want with you. I was one of those younger girls that fell for the lies and just wanted to be liked by “somebody.” I wished my mother was supervising me and didn’t allow me to be hanging out. I wish my mother had been in my business and was paying attention to who I was hanging out with. My wish list could go on and on.