is my first endeavor in the field of writing. It is a collection of short humor pieces that consist of hypothetical situations, fairy tales and essays on everything from time travel to seafood.
I think it is a book that you will enjoy. If you don’t think so then just buy it anyway and use it to get the fireplace going, swat flies, or whatever. I won’t mind. Really.
OLDIES, JUST SAY NO
I have nothing against "oldies" music as a whole, it’s just that it seems to be more the rule than the exception on the radio today. Maybe it’s me but I can’t listen to the same song over and over again. Even if I love that song. Take any oldies song, and you could probably be safe in saying that you heard that song at least three thousand times in your life, so far. Isn’t that enough? Sure you can listen to them every now and then, but every day? There has to be some form of contemporary music that interests you. You say, "No. I don’t care. I want my oldies!"
Alright, listen to your crusty oldies. But you’ll be sorry some day when you’re on some game show and the host says, "Alright for fifty thousand dollars, what was the number one song this year by the "Spastic Colons?" You’ll stand there, half of your musical life a blank. Then in wild desperation you’ll blurt out, "In The Still Of The Night?" "Noooo, I’m sorry. The answer is, "The Smell Of Your Shoes."
The host will then go on to say that a lovely consolation prize is yours. "It’s a collection of great songs from the fifties and sixties that you’ll be sure to enjoy for years to come." You’ll fly into a rage, throwing the prize to the floor. Then you’ll start stomping on it, until a beat comes into your head. You’ll begin to dance. First the Freddy, then the Mashed Potato, the Pony, the Swim, and finally you’ll be sedated. A whole nation of game show viewers will look on in horror, and all this could be avoided. Think about it.
FORTUNE COOKIES AT THE NO LUK WOK
You will receive good news in the mail. Then, you will get the hives.
Fortune and fame will be yours. You will be on the FBI’s most wanted list.
Romance is in your future. Unfortunately, it will be so far in the future that when it finds you, you will only have two weeks to live.
You are very poetic. Your heart warming poem about eyebrow waxing will win a big prize, but before you can claim it, you will slip on some salad dressing and be knocked unconscious.
Your dreams of space travel will be realized. This will occur as your dentist returns from his lunch of chili, and administers gas. A spark from his tap dancing will rocket you into the atmosphere.
You are very capable and qualified, but you will be passed over for a promotion. It will be given instead to a robot named Phil, which you developed. Phil will short circuit and burst into flames, burning the company to the ground. A law suit will follow.
Upon waking from a dream in which you are an Olympic ice skater, you will find that you have a sprained ankle and bad press from that ugly incident with a hand puppet.
A healthy life is yours, but fortune will never come. Inventing bibs for mice though brilliant, was perhaps ahead of it’s time. So you will be a healthy pauper.
You have the gift of dance and you will go far. But during a performance you will plunge off the stage into the orchestra pit, rupturing your spleen and causing a long intermission which will irritate theater patrons.
A Long lost relative will visit you. It will be your uncle Barney, who upon his last visit, basted your entire family with steak sauce while they slept.
Many treasures await you, but your aversion to water creates a problem diving for them.
You will be courted by many, but your affections for a Cornish hen will be unrequited.
Your youthful beauty will last long into life, but when it goes, yikes!
You will have many friends, but you will be unable to remember their birthdays, which will cause them to TP your home.
You will lose something of value, but you will find the crust of a sandwich under a sofa cushion.
Life will be a pleasant riddle. Unable to solve it, you will chuckle every time you hear the word mackerel.
Your great wisdom will be sought after, but your habit of impersonating a rooster will be disturbing.
You will find smooth roads throughout life. Unfortunately your tires will find every nail.
Patience and perseverance are your strongest virtues. They will slowly disappear however, as you fail to win anything in those endless sweepstakes contests.
Your generosity will be the comfort of many, but when they no longer find a use for your gifts of cheese sculptures, they will turn on you.
You will have many friends, until they discover that for years they have mistaken you for someone else.
