Ashley E. Ryker
This young girl struggles with so many things in her life and all because of one problem: she has a mental illness. Diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at the age of 19, she now lives her life in recovery. For 22 years, however, she felt like a bowl of rotten bananas. She dealt with sexual abuse, self-loathing, discriminations, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, poor emotional regulation, a poor perception of how the world was really functioning around her, and the list goes on from there. And she wondered where in the world was God in all this? All she wanted was to feel normal and loved, but she didn't know how to feel genuine happiness and satisfaction. She thought this was a hopeless dream, until one day her life changed…
May God bless every person that reads this book and may it give them inspiration that life can be more than a bowl of rotten bananas….
Ashley Ryker wrote the novel When Life Gives You Rotten Bananas… in hopes to help those who are affected by mental illness feel hopeful about their future instead of hopeless. Ashley is a 22 year old college student in Iowa in the Human Services and Disabilities program with the hopes to graduate by 2009. She wants to one day be able to help those who suffer from mental health diagnoses. After years of wanting to write a book, the Lord finally brought her to a place where she was able to write a book that could give inspiration to us all.
“I do not want to be here (work). I hate it here. It’s embarrassing to be here. I just want a real job. I’m so freaking pissed off this week. I can’t stand this so called “disorder.” It makes me crazy. I never dreamed of this. I always thought I’d go to college, get a degree, and be successful. I thought I’d get married, maybe have a family some day. BUT THAT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!! Who the hell would want to marry this? My therapist says that I need to work on the self-hatred and forgive myself. Yeah, that’s not going to happen! There’s really no going back now. I’ve hated myself since day one. My mother certainly taught me how to. I wonder why I was never good enough for her. I wasn’t the perfect little angel she dreamed about. That’s why I should die . . . I will never be good enough for her. I’ll never be good enough for myself. So, what’s the point? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life torturing myself. That may be exactly what I deserve, but I’ll admit it; I want the easy way out. Deb says I can control this. Bullshit! This “disorder” comes and goes as it pleases. I have no control over this! I’m so sick of fighting. That’s all my life is going to be: fighting this disorder. That’s torture. If you make something bad, you get rid of it. So, why doesn’t God get rid of me? I’m sick of begging him to let me die; I want Him to actually do something about it this time. He’s supposed to give us the desires of our heart, isn’t He? So, where is He? I’ve been questioning God a lot lately. Every time I ask for something He says no. I’m either really stupid and don’t know what I need, or God hates me. They’re probably both true. Is there really even a god? Why would He give anyone a difficult life? Maybe this is really easy and I have no idea what I’m talking about. Maybe I don’t have a difficult life at all; I just think it’s hard. Whether it’s hard or not, I don’t want anything to do with this life. Even when I do leave the facility and live by myself, people will still be breathing down my neck, watching everything I do. I want my freedom back. I want my guardianship back. I want to do what I want to do. I’ll probably never have that kind of freedom again . . . Wouldn’t it be nice to just disappear!!!!!”
