Even though things were the way they were with Sean, I still had a deep love, and yearning for the ‘marriage institute.’ I wanted my marriage to Sean to be what I knew a marriage should be. I reluctantly asked him if he would consider going to a marriage counselor. He had said in the past, that he didn’t believe in counseling…“You are just going to another person who has problems in their life, just like you… and that they will just give you their clouded opinion on what you should do in your life, when they should be looking into their own problems!” I had listened to him when he said this, and had discounted even considering a counselor, up until this point. Sean repeated a similar version, as I asked him this time. I said “Okay, but what about a group counseling session with other married couples, all who have problems…maybe this type of counseling would be better for us since we would be able to discuss our problems together and get feedback or advice on solutions.” He said he would think about it and later on said ‘okay.’

I found a group that was meeting in downtown Brooklyn. As we went, Sean didn’t look too happy about going, and started complaining before we even got there.

I was basically quiet, and hopeful of a positive result. As we entered the room, there were already five couples seated, a sixth couple arrived, after us. I was very hesitant to say anything, and just listened as all the other couples spoke about their problems, in a non-hostile manner, and listened at the counselor, along with the others who had suggestions. The counselor gave advice to all of the couples who had spoke about their problems and gave suggestions as to how they might overcome them.

Sean and I were the only ones who hadn’t spoken, when the counselor asked us if we wanted to discuss anything that was wrong in our marriage. I let Sean speak first. He said “A wife should listen to her husband, and it won’t be any arguments.” I then said “A husband should never hit his wife.” That was it. Sean looked at me like he wanted to hit me, right there. He then yelled at me “You give me every reason to hit you!” The Counselor saw right away what was going on, and said she would not ask us to speak again. We sat for another few minutes, before we were dismissed. The counselor told us on the way out, that we needed individual counseling. Sean just huffed past her, and didn’t answer her. I thanked her for the session and walked behind Sean, until we got outside.

Sean grabbed me by my neck, and slammed me up against the black iron fence, right outside the building. He said “What the fuck did you say that for in there?” I said “Sean, that’s what the counseling is for… so you can speak about your problems!” As he had me up against the fence, the other couples were coming out of the building. I’ll never forget the look on some of their faces. Some of them came over to us. One guy said “Come on man…ya’ll just came out of counseling… how are you gonna just do this out here?… Is it that bad?” Another guy said “You two definitely need help!”

I felt so crushed, and so embarrassed, as I watched all of the couples walking past us. I mean, here they were, leaving their counseling session, without being hostile. And here I was crying, scared and feeling like nothing could change our marriage. Again, I had tried.