A sense of humor twisted or otherwise, makes everything in life more palatable. Sometimes it feels good to say exactly what you think. Fractured Proverbs and Twisted Thoughts is just such an indulgence.

Fractured Proverbs and Twisted Thoughts takes an irreverent look at the world around us. Nothing is off limits. Therefore the Proverbs, the words of Willy Shakespeare and others are fair game, as are familiar sayings, phrases from songs, and jingles. When no known phrase was available for some improper tweaking, the labyrinthine twists of the author’s mind sprang into creative mode to produce the Twisted Thoughts portion of this book.

Since we humans tend to take ourselves and our puny lives too seriously, the intent of Fractured Proverbs and Twisted Thoughts is to evoke a wry smile, a wide grin, or perhaps even out and out laughter. If we are honest, there is an invigorating sense of freedom in stating exactly what we think about any given subject, a person, or a particular event. So feel free to fall in with the rhythm and mindset of this book and indulge in a few Twisted Thoughts of your own.

I was born into a family of loquacious megalomaniacs.

My maternal ancestors were Hungarian Princes and Counts. With this smattering of royal blood in my veins and being the first born, perhaps I can be forgiven for my mild delusions of grandeur.

Many times my father remarked that I sharpened my tongue on a pencil sharpener. Even as a small child, I found something to giggle about at some very inappropriate places and some less than humorous occasions. Is it any wonder that as I "matured," my skewed sense of humor became even more warped?

My general philosophy of life is that humor is the key to happiness and survival. Armed with a sense of humor, one can tolerate the intolerable, work with and endure the blandest of creatures, triumph over irritating circumstances, and in general enjoy life to the fullest. I truly believe that God must have a tremendous sense of humor after all he did create man.

Part I

Thinkables & Winceables

Humor,
The Antidepressant.

Ours Is Not To Reason Why,
Reason Rarely Enters Into It.

When You Wish Upon A Star,
Is It Still There?

What We Acquire Without Sweat,
Is Weight.

Waste Not,
Hoard Everything.

Clothes,
Prevent Nudity.

The Greater The Mess,
The Better The Meal.

No Sweat,
No Stink.

The First Mistake In Business,
Is Monday Morning.

Casting Bread Upon The Water,
Makes For Soggy Sandwiches.

Age Is A State Of Mind,
And I’m In A State Of Denial.

I’m A Lean, Mean,
Starving Machine.

A Drowning Man,
Is All Wet.

There Are Three Faithful Friends,
Me, Myself and I.

One Man’s Meat,
Is Another’s Soy Substitute.

Cellulite,
The Stuff Of Flab.

Moderation,
When You’re Too Old To Have Fun.

Senior Citizens,
The Prune Juice Generation.

Patience,
Generates Stress.

Still Waters,
Are Bayous.

You Can’t Get Blood From,
A Vampire.

Many Are Called,
But Only The Recorder Answers.

Necessity,
The Only Reason We Work.

A Brain Without Synapses,
Is Void Of Thought.

A Man Without Guts,
Wears A Colostomy Bag.

Bad Money,
Is Made By Good Copiers.

We Have Nothing To Fear,
But Ignorance.

There Is Nothing New,
It’s All Recycled.

One Man’s Yard,
Is Another’s Eyesore.

If The Shoe Fits,
It Must Be Ugly.

Air Heads,
Speak Through A Vacuum.

Life Is,
A Grimm Fairy Tale.

I Think,
Therefore I’m Superior.

All The World’s A Stage,
Littered With Hams.

The Prophet Of Doom,
Is A Party Pooper.

Call Waiting,
The Excuse To Say Goodbye.

I Reserve The Right,
To Be Stupid.

If At First You Don’t Succeed,
Delete The Program.