Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On
A Twelve Step Guide To Divorce Recovery
by
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Whether we were the one who wanted to leave the marriage or the one who was left, so much seems out of our control. We may feel a combination of any of the following: fear, abandonment, rejection, hurt, humiliation, self-centeredness, self-doubt, self-absorption, anger, depression, misery. And we may believe that we'll never be happy again. These feelings, and the ramifications of the situation itself, are similar to those of people recovering from alcohol or drug abuse and of their families. The helplessness, hopelessness, fear of change, obsession about another person's behavior and being unable to rely on anything or anyone except ourselves are like the feelings in other recovery situations. There are two parts to a proven formula for getting our lives together. One is to practice the Twelve Steps of AA and Al-Anon. Why? Because they have been helping people for more than 70 years—encouraging us to focus on ourselves and our own behavior—to discover what we did to end up in this place at this time. We take our share of the responsibility (large or small) and seek to understand ourselves so we don't continue to make the same mistakes over and over. The other is belonging to a support group. Joining a group has proven effective in recovery from cancer, heart attacks, alcoholism, drug addiction, eating too much, the loss of a child and the loss of a spouse. Why is it so effective? Because we understand each other. We have patience to listen. We learn from each other. We establish new friendships. We learn that there's help to be found in many ways. If we're lucky enough to find a divorce support group, we realize that we aren't alone. In a Twelve Step support group we listen to others speak at meetings and we come to realize that we too have a Higher Power. It is natural and necessary for us to focus on the past—to think about what happened and why. We have to deal with our own anguish, our children's pain, our family's and friends' reactions, the legal process and our (ex)spouse, but there has to be, and is, more to life than pain, grief and aggravation. This will become apparent as we move through the process. Believe it or not, divorce can be a gateway to a new life. So many opportunities for change occur during this process. We can use these opportunities to create wonderful new things if we don't stay in the "victim" role. It is up to us to spend our energy choosing wisely and creatively. We want to be proactive in our recovery. Vision is greater than baggage. —Stephen R. Covey
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About the Book
For 20 million Americans the long process of healing after devastation of divorce began with a single step. Most found their way alone, making mistakes and trying to reinvent their lives through trial and error. Now, borrowing the wisdom gained in the development of 12 Steps Programs, Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On offers learned and proven support. Author Micki McWade adapts the best techniques, information and life lessons of long established recovery programs to provide a concise and comprehensive pathway to fulfilling life after divorce. Whether during the painful days of the divorce itself or in the adaptive weeks and months that follow, McWade offers valuable ideas that work in relationship with children and (ex) spouses. Readers are also provided with step-by-step encouragement and guidance for forming their own divorce support groups. PRAISE FOR GETTING U P, GETTING OVER, GETTING ON “A Godsend for all those moving through the transition of divorce.” Mel Schwartz C.S.W. Psychotherapist and author of The Art of Intimacy, The Pleasure of Passion “Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On is an easy-to-read book in which the 12-steps are artfully applied to divorce recovery.” Pamela D. Blair, Psychotherapist & Director, Divorce Resource Network Publisher, Surviving Divorce newsletter Contributing Editor, Divorce NY/NJ Magazine
About the Author
BIOGRAPHY I wrote this book to share the wisdom I originally gained in Al-Anon and from facilitating a Twelve Step Divorce Recovery Group for nine years. Having practiced the Twelve Steps in daily life, I realized they can be applied to divorce as well as addiction and were immensely helpful to me and to everyone who used them. The Twelve Steps were a roadmap for me as I navigated my way through my own divorce. I wanted to divorce differently from the war stories I had heard. Four children were between us and we owed it to them to be good co-parents. There were few examples of a “good divorce” for me to follow so I used the familiar Twelve Step tools to guide me. For example, I was powerless over others but have power in my own life; when overwhelmed, take it a day at a time; and to be grateful for what is good in my life. Friends often commented on how sensible our divorce was. It wasn’t easy but we avoided doing further damage to our relationship. We had to maintain decency for the sake of the many times we would be together in the future. I am remarried, live in Garrison, New York and work as a writer, psychotherapist and Collaborative Divorce Coach. I also help people establish Twelve Step Divorce Recovery groups. My books include Daily Meditations for Surviving a Breakup, Separation or Divorce, Healing You, Healing Me: A Divorce Group Leaders Guide and Moving Towards Mastery in Collaborative Divorce.