Essays on the Proper Path

In June of 1971, I stood at the precipice of a successful career. I had just received a Juris Doctor degree and was scheduled to sit for the New York Bar exam in a month. Beside me stood was my bride of a few months. Behind me were my parents beaming pride that their eldest had become the first in the family to reach such heights. Success was virtually ordained. Grammar school was finished on an accelerated basis. College succumbed to my efforts in three years under a special program that allowed pre - admission to law school. Once in law school, my marks were near the high of my class. I was even elected president of the Law School and awarded a complete scholarship for my efforts. On that graduation day, I was awarded the Distinguish Military Graduate award from the ROTC program. No, failure was not an option.

That Sunday in June of 1971, as we stood on the parade grounds I recall seeing the American Flag waiving. Some years later, I saw the flag waive again. This time from a cell overlooking the prison yard in B Block of Sing Sing Prison. That symbol of freedom and sacrifice that flew so proudly over the open parade ground was now framed by the bars of my prison cell. It is hard to admit that it took, not one, but two periods of imprisonment for me to come to gripes with the depth of my failure.

There was no way my life should have turned out this way. But I was unaware of the neurotic compulsions housed in my mind. Constantly denying my problems, I was blind to the errors of thought that led me to that cell. More important, I was oblivious to the hurt I caused those who gave me their trust and love. My downfall was not sudden. Slowly, I slipped downward, and I never realized what was happening. I never saw it coming. There was plenty of warning, however. But I denied that I had any problem. I never imagined I could become a criminal. Certainly, I had some success. I was blessed with a wife and children. My law practice was growing. Respect and admiration flowed from those around me. Yet, like a cancer, slowly I destroyed my life until it was gone – all gone.

As I look back, I suggest that more can be gathered by looking at failure then by following the road taken by others to success. For the demons I fought and errors I made will surface in others. Statistics are on my side. There are far more failures then successes in our world. Our focus, therefore, should not be on what made the few rise to dizzying heights, but on what traits cause the many to fail.

I have put together this series of essays on questions that have troubled me. They contain glimpses of my personal life, and try to answer the questions raised by the problems of life. From my experience, a philosophy of the proper path in life has developed, and is offered for your consideration.

Perhaps no one will read a word I have written. Yet, if during a period of personal crisis, one individual seizes upon my words and quells the turmoil, then I have helped. Or if one of my thoughts helps someone avoid the road to self destruction, then there is benefit.

But why be concerned with my musings at all? Certainly, what can be gained from listening to a felon, a defrocked lawyer, a liar, thief, and cheat? What could I offer anyone seeking a fulfilling, prosperous, successful life? Unfortunately for me, I have had a tremendous amount of time to reflect on life. In fact, my first notes were recorded while in solitary lock down, a 23 hour a day confinement caused by a purported disciplinary infraction. Just as a boomerang always returns to the thrower, I have always returned to the important questions raised in these essays. You must remember, though, that a boomerang only returns when it misses the target. If it succeeds in its mission, there is no need to return. Although I have had many opportunities, I have never come close to the target of a successful life. And so like that failed boomerang, I return to some fundamental questions.

My answers are not meant to be definitive. I know I have not solved the mysteries of existence. All of the questions raised have received vast intellectual treatment. And yet, they still are unanswered. I seek; only, to provoke some deep thought on questions we normally shirk because of the pressures of our daily life.