A Leadership Paradox: Influencing Others by Defining Yourself

   A fundamental assumption in most of the literature on leadership is that a few will need to control the many. Looking backward over history, a subtle belief has remained through revolutions, reformations and revivals—the belief that someone must tell the masses how to live, arising from a fundamental mistrust of others and of self. This assumption leads to a search for power but with an either/or mindset: if I have power, then others cannot have as much as me or they will be a threat. Such leadership results in anxious organizations with limited ability to learn and change. However, there is an alternative, paradoxical way to understand leadership. This alternative way of leadership called “leadership by self-differentiation” has its roots in Dr. Edwin Friedman’s family systems theory. This goes beyond just self-knowledge. Self-differentiated or self-defined leaders are those who can set their own direction, regulate their own anxiety and can stay connected while not responding to the anxious demands of others. It is critical for these leaders to learn to face their fears, challenge their assumptions and thus be able to change their self-perception. A Leadership Paradox outlines such an alternative view of leadership and provides a model for achieving differentiated(defined) leadership.

Purpose of This Book

   For those readers who are leaders already, this book will call to mind the nobility of your position. Those around you are desperate for a depth of character that reminds them that there is more than what can be perceived by the senses. Something of value exists within each of us. A leader can see this in times of great chaos and will not allow others to deny the value they possess. To remind individuals of that personal value is to provide a great service, as everyone needs that recognition at some time in his or her life.

   To be such a leader, you must let go of the need for certainty and control. Reaching a place beyond the siren call of control and certainty will require a battle of enormous proportions. For such a place is accessible only through the discovery of your own value, hidden just beyond the shadows of your fears. Thus, the foundational premise of this book is a paradox: Leadership is primarily an effort to understand and change yourself. Defining yourself, rather than attempting to change others, is what offers the greatest point of leverage in an organization.

More on the Purpose of This Book

   This book will be successful if those who read it begin to ask different kinds of questions. We live in a time that requires leaders to ask important questions that reveal the depth and substance of the issues that organizations face. Dee Hock, founder of Visa International, asks two questions that frame the impetus of this book:

1.Why are organizations increasingly unable to manage their affairs?

2.Why are individuals increasingly in conflict with and alienated from the organizations of which they are apart?¹

   The truth is that the institutions of society are increasingly proving more damaging, not more helpful, to those who exist within them. The lack of authenticity and congruency created by systems of command and control breed fear in organizations. All of us—whether king or servant, leader or follower—are being made something less by our participation in systems that are based on fear, rather than freedom. Moreover, these systems will continue unabated if leaders, formal and informal, do not ask different questions and intentionally take different actions. History has proven that the masses will revolt when power is in the hands of a chosen few who create a system that works only for them. The problem is that with each revolt, the symptoms are relieved but the root issues are rarely addressed. This book provides an approach to leadership in organizations that aspire to long-term health rather than the use of bandaids and aspirin.